I'm lost and stupid without you.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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