I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize