We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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