I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
