an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A bitchslap is in order.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
