i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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