you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
