see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
