I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
