I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
