we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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