i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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