Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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