time to smoke my breakfast
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
