So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize