youre lurking in front of me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We need to get me chipped asap
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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