Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
