the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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