I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
