I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
no, he came in my armpit
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
