She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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