Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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