im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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