she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
