i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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