toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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