Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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