My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I did not marry a roomba.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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