i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
