It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
