I can text with my tongue
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
