I can tuck mytits in my pants
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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