yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
