where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
