Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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