They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
