Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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