if you like me you must not know who I am
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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