It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
