Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
