I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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