mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
