If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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