im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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