no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
