I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
