i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Damn victory sex feels great
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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