whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
this will be a night to untag.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
