Fuck appropriateness.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
