You really coming over, don't trick.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize