Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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