opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
