I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
