Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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