she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i think my cat just said my name.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I want a musical about memes.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
