Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
