Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
