my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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